I am very good at making my life seem functional. After I spend two hours getting ready-hair curled, signature plum lipstick applied, lashes thickened-I (assume I) successfully fool everyone into thinking that I do not return home to my nightly bowl of loneliness and sugar free ice cream to watch SVU reruns on Netflix.
I live in a small room crowded with unpacked suitcases.
Everything I have is on my back. I own an entire wardrobe of clothing that I rarely wear. Each year I am blessed with new school clothes (thank you, Jesus). I try them on. I fall in love with them. Then, inevitably, they hang on the rack for weeks before I wear them. Between the time their sensors are deactivated to the time they cover my body I force myself to exercise rigorously, achieve the perfect eyebrow, shave my legs "correctly," and get my teeth the "perfect" shade of pale. Otherwise, I deem myself "unworthy of such lovely things." I often mediate on negative questions such as: "How could such an unattractive girl deserve to wear something so beautiful?" My facade is (to my knowledge) impeccable: no one would ever guess that I hoard trash, can't pull myself up out of bed most days and feel achieved if I can fully groom myself to my own standards.
I live in a small room crowded with unpacked suitcases.
Everything I have is on my back. I own an entire wardrobe of clothing that I rarely wear. Each year I am blessed with new school clothes (thank you, Jesus). I try them on. I fall in love with them. Then, inevitably, they hang on the rack for weeks before I wear them. Between the time their sensors are deactivated to the time they cover my body I force myself to exercise rigorously, achieve the perfect eyebrow, shave my legs "correctly," and get my teeth the "perfect" shade of pale. Otherwise, I deem myself "unworthy of such lovely things." I often mediate on negative questions such as: "How could such an unattractive girl deserve to wear something so beautiful?" My facade is (to my knowledge) impeccable: no one would ever guess that I hoard trash, can't pull myself up out of bed most days and feel achieved if I can fully groom myself to my own standards.
This week my grandparents came to visit. They took me grocery shopping. By grocery shopping, I mean we purchased three of everything. Nan always tries to make sure that I am stocked up for the school year. She not only showered me with all the goodies I can never afford: 100 calorie packs, Diet Raspberry Snapple, and diverse salad dressing choices, she bought me an adorable teal Keurig and enough coffee to last until Christmas. I now have an entire closet full of school supplies and new clothes...new beautiful clothes. Before bed I bury my face in them and inhale. I imagine what my someday life will be when I actually wear them.
Seeing my grandparents this time was more special than any time I have ever spent with them. Nana and I had many heart-to-hearts and they took time loving on me and teaching me that I am valuable. I confessed to them that I am tremendously lonely in my life. They were incredibly compassionate.
Seeing my grandparents this time was more special than any time I have ever spent with them. Nana and I had many heart-to-hearts and they took time loving on me and teaching me that I am valuable. I confessed to them that I am tremendously lonely in my life. They were incredibly compassionate.
After parting for the last time, I came home and opened my refrigerator to all of my groceries. I wept tears of gratitude. Suddenly my gratitude transitioned into overwhelming loneliness. There I was...in an apartment...stocked full of expensive things...but I didn't have my family. There are certain things money cannot buy. Family is one of them.
My life up this point has been a constant quest of approval seeking. What can I own to make myself feel valid? I have years worth of material things that do not fill the gaping void inside me.
I must follow all of the previous statements up with:
I understand Christ is supposed to be all that I need. I have been working very hard on our relationship. But I am not about to pretend it is all roses. I have been praying more, listening more, meditating more, and reading scripture constantly. But I would be lying if I said I have been hearing from the Lord. I feel His peace and presence, but I often ache for conversation. Perhaps it is because I am so desperately lonely. At times I feel God is my only friend. Especially when I bind myself in the shackles of self abuse and force myself to swallow excuses of why I really should just lie in bed all day and do nothing.
Steps are hard.
Staircases are tall.
I often feel as if I am on my back looking up at a mountain, and I am helpless.
I understand Christ is supposed to be all that I need. I have been working very hard on our relationship. But I am not about to pretend it is all roses. I have been praying more, listening more, meditating more, and reading scripture constantly. But I would be lying if I said I have been hearing from the Lord. I feel His peace and presence, but I often ache for conversation. Perhaps it is because I am so desperately lonely. At times I feel God is my only friend. Especially when I bind myself in the shackles of self abuse and force myself to swallow excuses of why I really should just lie in bed all day and do nothing.
Steps are hard.
Staircases are tall.
I often feel as if I am on my back looking up at a mountain, and I am helpless.
I write all of these things in authenticity. Over the years, the few people that have followed my every post have commended my honesty. I cannot say many good things about myself on most days. But I can say I am honest.
I am probably not who you think I am.
This season, I just want to take some time to tell you the truth about
Me.
I am Autumn Jade.
I am Autumn Jade.
