Yesterday, before services at The Keeill I circled Richland Avenue. Living on the East side is like living in a snow globe. I often forget the look of West Nashville. I rolled down the windows and breathed in my surroundings. As I passed the familiar garden at Welch I stopped the car, walked over to "The Engagement Swing" and took a seat. I have spent countless hours of my life on that swing, both with a boy and on my own. I reflected back to David Lim's recent sermon about the voice of the Lord. I first asked God if He was there and He answered. I vented to Him for a little while. I did more talking than I ought to have done. I confessed I am hung up on returning back to school. I feel as though I failed somehow because I am still working on my undergrad. I feel lonely because I am the oldest. I feel as though I am the only one left. I sat in silence for awhile. I opened my palms. And the Lord spoke.
He said:
"All of these fears and false beliefs are hindering you from allowing yourself to be overwhelmed with joy about returning here. I know your heart. I know you love this place. Stop resisting happiness so much. You love August. You love starting school. You love your professors. And I have made you zealous and passionate. Stop resisting it. You think because everyone else ended up (in your eyes) "better" than you that I have forgotten you or grown cold in my endeavors to grow you. But I have not abandoned you. This is all part of the process. You are uniquely you. You are no one else. No path is like yours. I assure you, I have something coming for you to be excited about. For your own sake, enjoy these things. I called you to Nashville. I have placed you. Time is irrelevant. If it were relevant, I would not be above it. Until you stop measuring your own worth by the successes and failures of others you will never be able to fully receive and enjoy the gifts I have given you. This is your permission to be excited."
I contemplated everything. It was the answer I needed. In May when I learned I would have to stay in school until December of 2014 I was crushed. I regretted changing my degree plan. I was resentful toward God. In reality my nature and my spirit of self-hatred has kept me from enjoying a great deal of what He has given me. I would go as far to say I have taken the gifts God has given me and turned them into something I am not proud of to further my destructive tendencies. For too long I have measured my worth by others. In reality I am excited. It feels strange to say this...hard to say even. But I am. No...I do not understand. But I serve a God who never sleeps, who composed time and space and eternity and who loved me so much He etched my names on the palms of His hands. I will trust in the Lord, and I will allow myself to enjoy what He has given me.
