I woke up this morning [at 3 a.m.] unable to sleep. Incredibly restless and plagued with a vague, all-consuming anxiety-- I began perusing the internet for re-runs of my favorite television shows and distractions. When our internet connection failed me, I turned the light on and tried writing a letter to an old friend. Still knotted with an anxiety I could not name, I laid my head against the pillow and turned the lights out. My mind wandered back to when I was a child.
Any time I had growing pains in my legs [or was too anxious to sleep] my father would tell me:
"Just close your eyes and practice being as still and quiet as you can. If you're still and quiet enough--rest will come and find you."
Breaking the dark silence I frustratedly groaned:
"Why am I so anxious?! Everything is FINE!"
To my surprise, The Lord spoke.
"I want to show you a biblical love,"
He said.
Puzzled, [because I rarely hear from the Lord in this way] I asked:
"Lord, is that You? What are You saying, and what are You doing?"
"I want to show you marriage."
He responded.
My mind immediately went to Brian Ban's vision of the Lord holding His bride; suddenly words that were prophesied over me back in October made sense: The Lord wants to court me, but He cannot do so until I admit that everything is NOT fine.
I pride myself on my independence. I constantly brag about how I am not one of "those girls" that goes to social functions with the expectation [or even consideration] of meeting someone new. I rarely notice/deliberately avoid the opposite sex. A long time ago, the vulnerability switch in my brain flipped and I decided I would never let anyone love me romantically again.
I resistantly interjected:
"But Lord, aren't you proud of me? I am not BEING like everyone my age! I am not out making idols of other people! You should be proud of me! I used to be so co-dependent, and now look at me! I am doing everything ON MY OWN!"
Gently, He responded:
"Daughter,
This was never my plan for you.
You have made YOURSELF an idol.
You are not independent.
You are broken-hearted and full of sorrow.
This is your faceless anxiety."
I suppose at 23 years old--my mid-night growing pains and bouts of worry have not changed. I cannot help but marvel at how long [unbeknownst to me] I have been heart-wrenchingly sad. As an extrovert, I rarely pursue the quiet stillness my earthly father once advised me to practice. However, it is in The Still that The Lord has an opportunity to speak clearly to us. The Lord: Who wants to bring us out of our places of unrest.
