Last night, I sat bundled with my best friend John in my heated Jeep outside the wilting Davidson House. The tails of our conversations are usually quite long--it has at times taken us weeks to complete a thought. However, something honest came out of my mouth that has been budding there for awhile now. This "something," served as an epiphany that--when vocalized--erected a new pillar of my healthy mindset.
"You know, I'm technically 'doughy-er' than I've ever been. Ha! I've put on at least ten pounds since last month. The crazy thing is: I actually feel better than I ever have--emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I think I really have been healed of anorexia."
*Note: I am not stating I am an advocate for the abandonment of physical health; I believe it is strongly connected to mental, emotional and spiritual health. I am simply stating: To get to a healthy physical state we have to "re-calibrate" in other areas first [vice-versa]. In-fact: I have recently been captivated by the concept of The Mandala. Though I do not believe a symbol can be devoid of its meaning--and I do believe we are to guard our hearts against certain idols, images, and iconography--I'm down with certain elements of this symbol. Julia Cameron includes an exercise in The Artist's Way, that encourages the reader to construct a 'wheel of balance' and include on it life categories such as: Exercise, Friendships, Work, Romance, Creativity, etc. These categories vary depending on the person. Mine were: Creativity, School, Friendships, Spirituality, Health, and Family. Dots are then placed on the borders of the "six slices" of "the pizza"; the reader is instructed to connect the dots. Cameron notes: ["It's not uncommon for your wheel to come out looking like a tarantula. As balance is gained it will look more like the Buddhist Mandala.]" Before you misread this and deem me a "Mix-Bag" of spirituality, let me assure you: It is simply the concept of balance in art form that I find captivating. I am not looking to tread into new eastern spiritual territories. If you are lost, and have never seen The Mandala, psychologist and artist Carl Jung has a gorgeous portrayal of it in The Red Book.
My wheel did in-fact look like a tarantula. This was no surprise to me as I have always struggled with 'black and white thinking'. I will note: The gospel has been incredibly medicinal to this flawed way of thinking. After tremendous mental and spiritual healing in the past 7 months--I'm finally understanding the concept of the "Middle-Ground" and what it means to walk out of extremity.
"The World is Grey, Babies!" Dr. Tammy Ruff proclaimed in my first Adjustment of the Human Behavior class. 'January-Jade' cringed. January-Jade who struggled with: Committing to a church community, family members, friendships, creative career goals, and herself--could not conceive that her mental thought process was out-of-whack. Never investing in anything, January Jade was miserable. Afraid of both success and failure...she would deliberately sabotage herself. She would work out and go binge eat after, she would abandon friendships in which she was too passive aggressive to find a solution, she would she was...stuck.
March Jade is in motion.
I sat this morning trying to pinpoint the moment I knew I was healed. *I use the term "healed" with caution. I do not believe we are ever completely healed as in: Completely sanctified. I do however believe that The Lord absolutely heals certain [though not all] ailments in our lives. Since August, The Lord has absolutely healed: My depression, my low self-esteem, my intimacy issues, and my eating disorder. I am new. I have a new brain! While healing is gradual and cannot happen overnight, I honestly feel as though I wake up every day and encounter The Lord in a new way. Radical and drastic changes have catapulted me out of my old habits, routines, and lifestyle. I began noticing I was healed when I: Believed my art was good enough without the affirmation of others, developed an I-CAN-DO-IT mentality, stopped worshipping the scale [and am okay with the extra ten pounds that are hugging my hips right now], developed real feelings for someone of the opposite sex, and...moved on within a few days when I got turned down. I have encountered much tragedy this spring. However, I know I am healed because I am so overcome with joy I am not overwhelmed with despair. I have sad moments, but those moments do not turn to sad hours; I no longer have sad days, weeks, or months anymore. I am nice to myself. I allow myself to have the things I want, and am disciplined enough to give myself the things I need.
My wheel is beginning to look more like a mandala all the time [except for in the creativity wing--I might be overdoing it]! My parents are pleased with my drive to go out on a limb for new things I love like: Applying to art school. I am pleased that my life is flooded with succulence as opposed to fixation. Every moment is filled with activity and striving toward my goals. I wake up every day and do 3 "morning pages" in my journal and an activity in The Artist's Way, I go for a run [or I don't, and that is okay too], I pour completely into my art in all my spare time [as opposed to sitting around wasting time], I invest in my friends, I go to class. My life no longer surrounds: Waiting on the opposite sex to come, waiting on the next ten pounds to feel beautiful, waiting on my dreams to land on my doorstep [and playing the victim when they don't], waiting until I feel valid enough to speak, or waiting until it gets "better" in incredibly toxic relationships that need to die.
"Good News,
Great Joy,
Everything is New."
The Mandala
By Carl Jung
